why am i so emotional tonight? all i want to do is cry. and go to sleep. and not wake up
what is my deal? or better question would be when is this depression going to just fucking go away? i am so god damn tired of being sad, unmotivated and tired EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
i sleep late because i have nothing to look forward to during the day. i play league because it distract me except those random games where i get overly upset about doing terrible.
the highlight of my life now is going to the store. because it means i’m going outside and i can put on a cute outfit.
that left one is how i feel most days. barely able to think clearly and right now i feel as if a thick blanket is covering my entire being, especially my head.
i’m really good at distracting myself from my depression with silly conversation with friends. even that has been getting harder to do. i try to engage those people i love and chat with them and see how they are but i slip away every once in a while… or i lose focus of the conversation because i just can’t function as well as i used to.
all of my friends are far away, too. all of them. i have absolutely no friends within 10 minutes of me like normal people have.
i envy those people… people who can get in a car and drive a few minutes to spend time with people they have fun with. i envy people who live more carefree than i do. especially because none of them realize how good it is to have that luxury.
yes, luxury.
the luxury of being able to reach out a short distance and have contact with friends. not that i’m mitigating my relationship with my mom, cause i totally love hanging out with her. mom <3
but i also miss leaving this god forsaken apartment. going places. doing stuff. doing nothing. feeling happy. feeling happy… such a simple thing but something so, so hard to come across.
all i’m doing is existing.